4:30 AM is still last night

I still take off my clothes and don't exactly love what I see. My belly looks much smaller, at least to me, when I have a shirt on. It looks huge with my shirt off.  I am still 295 which I actually see as a good sign as I have not gained the 67 pounds back. I still see all the stretch marks and a fat butt. My body is gross. Maybe it is my age, maybe it is me, maybe it is because I am overweight or maybe a combination of the 3.

But I was gross-er* 67 pounds ago. I can still see my toes. I am a guy. I am not supposed to really care what my body looks like.

4:30 am workout is freaking early. Most days I still get up even though I sleep only between 4-5 hours. My body seems to hate sleep though it loves naps. My daily goal is to walk 9 miles - 7 through exercise and 2 through every day stuff.

I see a lot of people working out as I work out. Most appear in better shape than me. I often wonder what they think as they see this guy the size of a refrigerator running or walking past them. I am jealous of them because most are in much better shape than me.

4 weeks from tomorrow I prove passing a Goruck event wasn't a fluke (pictures). I am nervous. I have done it before but to expect that it will be the same even though there will be a different cadre would be unrealistic. The event has 3 cadre listed. This scares me. I know about 60+ people are signed up. This is a September 11th memorial event. I have a feeling they are going to try and waste us physically. I think I am ready.....or I should say more ready than last time (try holding 50 pounds over your head for 5 minutes--it will blow your mind). I will get smoked either way. I paid half price for the event. Some how I have convinced myself that will make the pain less....  I may actually have friends and family doing the event with me. Lets all get physically smoked together by the cadre. Some how we will lift each other up!

This article is a good read. I think some could find it offensive but I think when I read I am reminded of the day I truly started working out and began to change my life. The reason some mind find this offensive is because the "fat girl" is actually a fat guy. I know the author was trying to hide his friends identity. You can read a follow up here. Another pretty good read. 

* Call the grammar police.