The more you want things to stay the same the more they seem to change. Life has served up some great and scary changes.
Last summer I wanted to sell my house and get a new start. Due to a family legal battle over kids, moving in the middle of the situation would not have helped my children. In fact, at the time I felt like it could actually hurt them. I have lived in the same home for 15 years. For a military brat that is a long time. I have never lived anywhere longer that 8 years. Little Elm has been my home. I love it here. I have friends. I know the community - I actually feel like I am a part of the community. I feel like I am part of my congregation. I love everything about Denton County and Little Elm. It is who I feel like I am. But my house...... It has been the location of a lot of turmoil in my life. The house is fine. It has great bones. It is where I have raised by kids. They love it there too. But my house..... There are a lot of memories there. Most minus my kids are not so great. Failed marriages, it sits empty more days due to my kids not being there while I work from the office now and now my commute is ridiculous due to taking a promotion.
So it is time to make a change with my house and sell it. I am very sad about this. More sad is the fact that I won't get to interact weekly with men like Alex, Josue, Clint, Russ, Josh, Brandon, Jeff, Tyler, etc. I could go on and on. Some have moved on themselves and I guess I just remember the "good old days".
Work has been extremely hard. Under-staffed like no other. I think the only way to fix this is utter failure. Warnings have been given but not heeded. I can only counsel.
The biggest change in my life as of late is Christi Jo. Just when you are done with relationships, the Lord humbles you. He knows better than I do. He reminds me often. When you are not looking, you usually find what you need. And I have. I don't know how else to describe her other than perfect for me and even more perfect for my kids.* My kids were bugging me quick to marry her quick. My oldest was the slowest to come around to this idea -- he was being protective especially after a therapist told me I should share in general terms what happened in the last marriage. I did. His eyes were opened. I have felt a ton more compassion from him (though he still gives me grief) and I actually heard him tell me twice "Wow Dad. You have been through a lot." He is right. I know the Lord knows me and loves me. I know He knows me personally. For whatever reason he has given me a ton of trials (at least I see it that way--others might not). This blog has only contained a small portion of what has happened in my last bit of life. The main reason is I don't want to air dirty laundry some of it my own. I have shared though in hoping someone will see there is hope and honestly it is therapeutic for me write down my feelings.
My oldest though came around and came around quick and fast about Christi Jo telling me to hurry up and marry her.
I know what is right. I know what is right for my kids. I know I have answers. I know I need a mate who loves me, who will serve me and who will let me grow and do the things I love to do - like Scouting. I don't want to spill my guts here but I will say I know she loves me. She is a good woman who loves my kids. I know it won't be easy - marriage usually never is. I just know she won't quit and neither will I. So we are getting married and blending families. It will be an awesome, horrible, sucky, rewarding, painful, stressful, interesting ride. I am ready to do it with her. I love her.
Today ended my 60 days of summer possession with my kids. It is usually a hard day. And it has been difficult but I gave my kids their before school blessings before they left today. My oldest got some very clear direction in his and for the first time in a long time I got a heartfelt and long hug from him when I was done. We both cried. I have cried a lot lately. Mostly good. Some bad. Christi had heard me mention it is usually a bad day for me when they go home after summer visitation and asked the kids to each pick out a card for me. It was just what I needed. I am glad she listens and my kids express to me how much they love me.
So in addition to selling a house and getting married, I am staffing another Wood Badge course. To be honest, this is probably where I am most comfortable as of late in my life. I have a lot work to do but I am ready.
With all these changes I cannot fail. I will not fail. I have already done enough failing.
*My kids were really hurt in my last marriage. Really hurt. My youngest the most. She was used as an emotional punching bag. Hence I created a "5 year plan" to date but not marry. I didn't want her to experience that again. Not child who you say you accept as your own deserves to be neglect like that even if you think I am a horrible person ESPECIALLY when you trust me enough to 3 years prior to adopt and be sealed to your daughter. The anger and frustration is gone on my part but I don't forget when you purposely hurt my child especially when I tried to protect you from you own kids when they attacked you. My youngest (and the boys) deserve a hell of a lot better than that. There is no hate or anger on my part. I just know what I will accept now and treating my kids like that doesn't fly. EVER.