Tonight I spent part of the night looking for my son's social security card. I should have a copy but since I don't generally claim him on taxes or get the opportunity to fill out paperwork for him, I have no clue where it is. I have gone through tons of paperwork and discovered tons of old memories. Cards, pictures, paperwork, etc.
Some of those memories I have trashed. There is no point in keeping countless apology notes, cards from people who have left my life and pictures drawn with promises of forever love. Things have changed. Love it or hate it things have definitely changed. I even think for good. Sad at time though honestly to think that my new normal is not normal at all. I can't wait to have a new normal.
But I still have my three....
I love my three so much even if tonight they took over my bed to watch a movie and forced me to sit on the floor. It breaks my heart that I have to work so hard to be a part of their lives and to know I am purposely excluded. It hurts to be told they think I have not been honest with them when I have been more honest that a typical parent should about what is going on in my life. I have been brutally honest. They are painfully aware of the mistakes I have made as I have no problem telling them when and where my mistakes have been made. And we are already making new memories.
Good days are ahead. I have faith in that for sure. I believe I have suffered by fair share of drama and crap. I am sure there is more down the road for me to learn from but I am so much stronger than the old Fishgutts.
But I still have my three.... And someday I will get the chance to share the truth with them. Here is to hoping that time is soon yo.